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If you are reading this, chances are you're either dealing with or once had a bad roommate. Trust us, we've been there—and it can truly make life feel like a living hell.
Roommate relationships can become strained for a number of reasons. This could be because of a lack of personal boundaries, poor communication, privacy or safety concerns, financial disputes, personality clashes, or different lifestyle choices, among other things.
Over time, the pent-up stress and frustration from the situation can impact our mood, sleep, and overall quality of life. “The energy we feel at home is vital to our ability to interact with the rest of the world. If the energy at home is negative or draining, it can have a large impact on our mental health and our living environment,” says Laura Rhodes-Levin, LMFT, author of "The Missing Peace: Rewire Your Brain, Reduce Anxiety, and Recreate Your Life."
Though it may seem easier to ignore the problem for as long as possible, the best option is to address any issues promptly instead of waiting for things to go from bad to worse.
“The longer the tension mounts and the longer the resentment builds, the harder it is for people to see each other’s point of view,” says Judith Joseph, MD, board-certified psychiatrist and clinical assistant professor of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry at NYU. Addressing conflicts immediately minimizes miscommunication and resentment—both of which can contribute to stress and anxiety.
The first step is to understand what type of roommate you’re dealing with. Some of the most challenging roommate types you might encounter include:
So, how can you address the issues you're having with your roommate in a constructive way?
It could include strategies like improving communication by having open conversations and practicing assertiveness instead of passive aggression.
Or setting and enforcing boundaries and ground rules after mutual discussion. For example, if they regularly use your stuff without asking, you can create a boundary by firmly asking them not to use your things, especially without permission. Make sure to include what the natural consequence would be if they don’t follow through.
You can also do self-check-ins to see if you are unwittingly enabling their bad behavior through your actions and responses. For instance, if they never do the dishes and you end up doing it every time, you may be reinforcing the behavior by not addressing the issue directly.
If you feel things are too difficult to handle on your own, consider seeking the help of a mediator for a neutral perspective and effective conflict resolution. We’ll explore each of these options in more detail below.
Keep in mind, communication is not the same as confrontation. “Communication should be an attempt to share feelings openly without worrying about being attacked for what you are feeling or needing,” says Rhodes-Levin.
Here are six key communication strategies to navigate roommate disputes effectively:
“Frame your concerns using ‘I’ statements to avoid sounding accusatory,” suggests Cheryl Groskopf, LMFT, LPCC. For example, you can say, "I feel stressed when the kitchen is left dirty," instead of "you never clean up." “I” statements reduce defensiveness and make it easier for the other person to understand your perspective and feelings. “This approach helps engage the prefrontal cortex rather than triggering the amygdala, which is responsible for fear responses,” Groskopf explains.
The prefrontal cortex is responsible for executive functioning (e.g., problem-solving), planning for the future/managing consequences for actions, and emotion regulation.
“This approach uses non-blaming or critical language and ensures that empathy and personal responsibility are central in the communication,” says Brooke Sprowl, an LA-based therapist specializing in relationships, codependency, and toxic relationships.
Most people tend to communicate in ways that are accusatory or even coercive during a dispute. This only escalates the situation and creates a feedback loop of defensiveness between both individuals. “When you remove blame, use empathy and neutral language, this tends to change the tone of conflict from contentious to collaborative,” Sprowl adds.
Make sure your body language is open and non-threatening while maintaining eye contact. Avoid glaring, finger-pointing, or crossing your arms. Discuss the issue calmly without interrupting each other, keeping your tone respectful and steady to avoid escalating the situation, suggests Gayle Weill, LCSW.
Clearly define what the problem is and how it affects you and the shared living space. Avoid vague complaints. Once the issues have been laid out, it’s necessary to collaborate on potential solutions that work for both parties. “Compromise will likely need to occur between both of you,” says Weill.
Sometimes, when other people don't behave favorably, we assume they are acting maliciously when they might simply be unaware, absent-minded, or doing their best but still making mistakes, says Getty. Assuming positive intent helps reduce the intensity of a situation, allowing you to communicate calmly rather than with frustration. However, “it's important to remember that just because someone is doing their best or isn't acting with malicious intent, it doesn't excuse their behavior,” adds Getty.
Once you assume positive intent, focus on facts and solutions when communicating. For example, if your roommate is loud late at night, you could say, "I can hear you playing guitar at 1 a.m. You may not realize it, but the walls here are thin. Can you play in the basement or stop playing around 11 when I go to sleep?" Ideally, this will resolve the situation. If the noise continues, speak more assertively: "Hey, I mentioned your guitar playing is loud and asked you to stop around 11. The past few nights, I've heard you playing past 11, and it’s keeping me up. How can we stop this?"
“ChatGPT can also be a great resource. You can input what you want to say and ask it to remove emotional language, stick to facts, and be assertive but not aggressive. Then, send your message via text,” suggests Getty.
When you live with others, conflicts are bound to happen over one thing or another. However, with a well-defined approach to conflict resolution, you don’t have to avoid or overreact to these situations. Here’s a step-by-step strategy to try:
Identify the issue and consider how it impacts you so you can communicate it to your roommate. For example, if your roommate often leaves half-eaten food around the house that goes moldy and stinks, you can mention how it poses a health risk and creates an unpleasant living environment.
If you think the issue might be a one-time thing or something relatively small, it might be easier to take care of it yourself. For example, if your roommate forgot to take out the trash one day and it started to smell, you could take it out this time and tell them afterward, saying, “Hey, I noticed the trash was starting to smell, so I took it out. Please take it out next time when it’s your turn.” If it becomes routine, though, that merits a serious conversation with your roommate.
Don’t try to resolve conflicts when emotions are running high. Instead, set a time and place to discuss the issue when both of you are calm and better able to communicate, suggests Dr. Joseph. Don’t meet during early hours if someone is not a morning person or too late if someone is exhausted at late hours. Set a time that works for both. Similarly, pick a neutral area of the home for discussion or meet at a nearby coffee shop. “It’s important to do as much as you can to control the level of stress infused into the situation,” says Dr. Joseph.
Once you have clearly and calmly expressed your concerns, give your roommate a chance to share their perspective and listen to them without interrupting. Don’t plan your response while they are still talking. Instead, focus on what they are saying without jumping to conclusions. Also, pay attention to the non-verbal cues. Active listening helps you understand the other person better and makes them feel heard. “When you feel heard, it activates the brain's reward centers, promoting empathy and more positive interactions,” says Groskopf.
Start by identifying common objectives. For example, you could say, “We both want a peaceful home, so let’s figure out how to get there." “Recognizing shared goals can help shift the focus from individual complaints to mutual benefits. This creates a collaborative atmosphere where both parties work towards a common good,” says Groskopf.
It can be easy to get swept up in emotions and start seeing the roommate as the problem. However, resolving roommate conflicts can be more fruitful when we look at the bigger picture and approach the situation with a solution-oriented mindset rather than seeing the other person as the enemy, says registered counselor Sumarie Engelbrecht. Collaborate with your roommate to brainstorm solutions that work for both of you. Be prepared for a reasonable compromise to come to an agreement.
Write down the agreement reached and share a copy with your roommate. Also, set up a follow-up meeting to review the situation after some time and ensure that the solution is working.
A great way to establish house rules and boundaries is to hold a “House & Rules” meeting where each roommate may present their thoughts and suggestions regarding basic house rules and personal boundaries, says Kelley Brower, LMHC, CFRC. Clearly define personal spaces, shared spaces, and responsibilities. Who does what, where, when, and how—put it all in writing and post it on the refrigerator. Ensure that the rules are fair and consider everyone’s needs. “When rules are created collaboratively, they’re more likely to be respected and followed,” says Groskopf.
It's important to note that following boundaries and rules takes lots of practice, patience, and persistence. So, give yourself and your roommates grace as you work together to create a harmonious living environment.
However, remember that these steps won't work if someone is abusive or acting in bad faith because there won’t be a real attempt to understand you or come to a compromise. “In this case, the best course is to take as much space as possible, enforce clear boundaries, and create an exit plan as soon as possible,” says Sprowl.
Involving a neutral third party, such as a counselor or a resident advisor, can help roommates resolve their differences by providing an unbiased perspective and a structured framework for facilitating a constructive dialogue, says Weill.
“A third-party mediator would be able to ensure the conversation stays on track and doesn’t spiral into personal attacks,” says Engelbrecht. They are also less likely to have tunnel vision when trying to resolve the situation and can come up with out-of-the-box solutions, she adds.
If you are a student seeking guidance and support regarding your living situation, consider contacting your college RA or university counseling center. For advice and resources for off-campus accommodation, contacting your local tenant association or housing authority is a good place to start.
You can also get free roommate agreement templates and tips to get the conversation started, here and here.
“When there is conflict at home, you experience physiological and psychological symptoms of fight-or-flight and anticipatory anxiety,” says Dr. Joseph. This is why it is imperative to prioritize self-care to manage stress and improve emotional regulation.
Here are five expert-backed self-care strategies to try besides boundary-setting:
“Sometimes our fundamental needs and values conflict with those of our roommates, in which case there may be no way around it but to transition to a new living situation,” says Sprowl.
A simple but easy way to see if a living arrangement is working is to check in with yourself at the end of each day. “I once had a roommate that I was unhappy with, and I kept a little notepad by my bedside. On the days I wanted to leave, I would write L. On the days I felt things were going OK, I would write S for stay. If you find that you have more L's than S's, it's time to find a different arrangement,” says Rhodes-Levin.
“It's important to give your roommate proper notice because you would want the same in return, but beyond that, your obligation is to yourself and your happiness and well-being,” she adds.
If your new living arrangement is also a shared space, there are a few important things to consider before moving in with or having a new roommate:
Dealing with a bad roommate can be stressful. However, with the right communication and conflict resolution techniques, it’s possible to work things out and establish a harmonious relationship. It’s also important to set clear boundaries, manage expectations, and be willing to compromise when appropriate. If issues persist or differences seem irreconcilable, consider seeking a new living arrangement.
Remember that your mental health and well-being matter, and sometimes, moving on is the best option for everyone involved.
By Noma Nazish
With nearly a decade of journalistic experience, Noma Nazish is passionate about covering the intersection of lifestyle and wellness with a soft spot for sustainability. Her work has appeared in various national and international publications like Forbes, Cosmopolitan, The News Hub, and Zee News English, among others.
